I don’t know how long i’ve been feeling this way. Suppressed feelings are only a temporary solution to a long lasting pain. For a long time I suppressed the feelings of my childhood. The burden your parents leave behind to you when you are a child can be carried into adulthood and sometimes you’re so used to the weight you don’t even realize the extra baggage. Depending on how you view your childhood, the baggage can either weigh you down or become a plus to your future. I used to always think “my family is all I have”. They raised me and made me the person I am so how could I have any negative feelings towards these people that took care of me? I didn’t let myself feel these emotions about my family because they were my family and they were all I had. It’s different. If you meet a friend and they act devious, or unloyal to you, what do you do? You may stop being friends with them because you were able to see their true intentions. But you can’t stop your mother from being your mother or your brother from your brother. It’s hard to do that with family. For some reason, that word “family” holds an almost unbreakable connection to your self and who they are. At times that connection may be the reason why you continue to cling unto a person that continues to harm and disappoint you: the baggage weighing you down. I lied to myself and others around me about how I felt bout my family. In reality I resent my father. I hated his actions. I hate the fact that his actions caused far more damage than love and support for my mom and my brothers. I wondered if this is a feeling I was supposed to feel towards this man I called my father. Towards the man that helped bring me into this life. The man that provided half of my physical and mental wellbeing. I begrudge it. So much of my years I suppressed the man he was because he was my father. Until there was no more room to fit these feelings in, I started to bleed out. Your family is suppose to be your backbone, to always have your back, and be there for you, but what if they are the ones putting your own peace six feet deep on a stormy day? Do you turn your back on them to save yourself? Will that make you a victim or the villain? Because he is my father, my family, should I choose to continue to suffer? I wanted to blame him for all the pain I felt with growing up. The part that hurts the most is as much as we have these feelings of resentment towards our family, we have them because our want of affection from them is something we still desire. As much as you don’t care, moved on, or disconnected from the people that took care of you the sweet thought of appropriate affection from them is bound to seal the wound in your heart left behind from the past. The pain I suppressed was overbearing that it began to harm me physically as well as mentally. When those feelings couldn’t be suppressed anymore I was embarrassed, ashamed, and didn’t know how to handle them. Many people talk about the importance of family values but sometimes family may be where the pain comes from. My pain came from my father. The person I truly wanted a relationship from because he is my family. I realized that I cannot continue to hold unto a broken relationship. My father is only a product of his environment the same way I am. I’ve accepted the fact that I may not get that affection from my father. I may not get that apology or love. Some people will never change and that is ok. It is not your or my responsibility to change them (unless that is your occupation in life). Our only responsibility is to forgive them. I think that may be our only responsibility in another persons life, if you choose to have one, is to just forgive them. The pain, the damage, the trauma. Forgive them and let it rest. You can never forget the person that caused you harm and what they’ve done. But sometimes you remember. Sometimes you remember but don’t let it shift you. I hope to obtain the courage of forgiveness for the ones that hurt me in my past. I hope you can do the same as well.
“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” -Tom Robbins